we use religious metaphors to house this Great Big Something beyond us all

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm still scared and still have little control over the things that are terrifying me. But I do not feel completely debilitated. I can still take care of me, and I still can take care of my home. I prayed for the first time in a long time yesterday. While I no longer identify myself as a Christian, I'm not an atheist or even agnostic. I believe in something bigger beyond all of us, that none of us fully comprehend, so we use religious metaphors to house this Great Big Something beyond us all. I think of it as the "intelligence of the Universe" sometimes. I usually just call it Universe, like a name, not a thing, if you know what I mean.  Anyway, I prayed.  It didn't help much. But it did help a little. I asked for guidance, which I haven't received yet, but I'll figure it out. I want to identify one little thing, a specific action I can take that will make a difference for The Big Picture. Because The Big Picture terrifies me.  I can think of many little things that *might* help; I need guidance in finding one thing to focus on.  One little thing. So I can take a moment at the end of the day and see if I did that thing. That's what I'm looking for right now.

Anyway...I feel strong in my sobriety, my eating (while far from perfect) didn't go too far off the rails yesterday, and the only money I spent yesterday was for forgotten grocery items I will need before the next grocery pickup.  Yesterday was a day I survived, not a day that I thrived.  That needs to be good enough.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, I am so very thankful that you are here.

maybe i just need to learn to write titles

title courtesy of me

It has come to my attention that most of my poems do have titles, and these titles can certainly serve as the title of the entries in which the poems are posted since that is not only the main content, it is often the only content.

I just need to get more comfortable at titles. Nothing says I can't change the titles, right? I know how to do that. So it doesn't have to be a commitment issue.  Just title the poems, Mary. And from here on out, use the title of the poem as the title of the journal entry.  You can do this.

Any journal entry that is just disconnected babble will still be titled by a title generator. Because that's just how I do things.
 

the fire

I've spent about three hours combining my electronic poetry journals and updating this journal. So today's entry will be from past-Me, because today-Me is tired.

the fire

Disembodied hands reach for the sky
in the deepest of the dark jungle.

Banshee dance, devouring the fear
of the lost little body – all alone.

Apollo’s chariot flames,
touching my soul with fire.

I sit in the hot humidity,

Waiting.

Banshee scream,
devouring my patience.

Waiting.

I stand alone.

1986

I original wrote this in my creative writing class in college, and strangely, the original version was published in the Literary Journal (no, I don't remember what is was called; I don't even know if I kept a copy). This is a little tighter than that version, but I'm not sure if I like it or not. I remember having a fever when I wrote it.